10 Things That People Do to Seriously Enrage Cashiers

I heard once that the occupations with the highest suicide rate were dentists, toll booth employees and cashiers. Although none of my research found these jobs on the list of highest suicide rates, or even most stressful jobs, I do still contend that despite what you may think, being a cashier has a high level of suckitude.

Why does it suck so much? Because people are irrational, unobservant creatures who would often prefer to press buttons on a machine than talk to a cashier. Perhaps you yourself believe you are a very polite individual and often treat cashiers with the utmost respect, and you may even be such a person. However, everyone has an off day where they just want to get their food and go home and aren't interested in being polite. A cashier who talks to hundreds of people of day will encounter a lot of jerks and it is possible that some of those people are just having an off day. Or maybe that's wishful thinking about the vast majority of humanity.

In any case, here is a list of things that make cashiers mad, upset or annoyed. They are not necessarily the most annoying in this order, because I can never decide which is the worst infraction. Please do not be one of these people, ever:

1) People With Unreasonable Requests

"Hi, I would like a bagel, only half of it toasted, with exactly six tomatoes and four butters. I do not want the tomatoes to be too green or too red. I want the bagel toasted to the point right before it gets burnt, but dark enough that the butter instantly melts."

You are annoying. Go buy a bag of bagels, a tomato, a toaster and a can of butter. Spend an entire day making your order. Realize you are a terrible human being.

2) People who walk away without paying/without their change/without getting their shit

This is a TRANSACTION. Please do yourself and everyone else the favor of completing it before you go off to talk to your wife or Aunt Suzie about how the Lions are really going to do it this year (p.s., they aren't.) Don't make the poor guy behind the counter bring you your change, your bagel, or ask you to pay. It's just not right.

3) People who bring their dog into the store

Stores are for humans. I don't care who you are or what your pooch's deal is. Get a leash, tie ol' Scrappers outside.

4) People who do not say hi

Hello, sir. I'm a human being. Are you a human being? Let's all agree to act like humans, k?

5) People Who Talk on Their Cell Phone While Ordering

This one practically goes without saying. The worst part is when they do this and then APOLOGIZE like I'm going to forgive them. One lady once said to me, "I'm sorry, I'm very important," and then laughed like she'd made a joke. Maybe she was making a joke. But she clearly thought she was important otherwise she would've at least put the damn thing down.

6) People Who Talk in Unnatural Coffee Vernacular Borrowed from Starbucks

"Hi, I'd like a Venti Skinny No Caf Iced Macciato." Yes, I know what you're saying. You're still a douchebag.

7) People Who Make Five Year Olds Order

Little Timmy is terrified of strangers and unsure of his own decisions. Don't put him up to the register and expect him to be able to order. Order for him. Be a good parent, a good customer and conscientious to the people behind you.

8) People Who Pronounce Foods in Unnatural Accents

Person in Midwestern Accent: "Hi, I'd like a French Cwrissoooont." Do we pronounce Detroit "De Twa"? No. Unless you're French, don't do this.

9) People Who Greet Long Lost Friend in the Middle of Order

Okay, so you haven't seen Sally since that night in college when the two of you...you know. Or maybe it's your Uncle Jessie that you haven't talked to since Third Grade, the night the two of you watched the last episode of Full House together and cried and laughed about how his name is Uncle Jessie just like John Stamos, but he's been out of the country for the last 15 years and you really want to say hello. Please tell your cashier whether it is for here or to go FIRST and then pay FIRST and then go see if things between you and Sally are salvageable or whether Uncle Jessie missed you.

10) Couples Who Make Out/Cudde/Do Cutesy Things With Their Significant Other

Dudes. I remember when I was in high school, too. Do I want to reenact this while I'm telling the cashier to leave off the onions on my sandwich? No, I do not. Please take your tongues out of each other's mouths and order like big boys and girls. What's that? You are fifteen and still in high school? K, cool. Then either order or get out.




 Honorable Mentions:

People Who Throw Money on the Counter, Instead of Placing It In The Outstretched Hand Of The Cashier

Dude, why? If the cashier threw your change on the counter instead of handing it to you, you might ask to talk to their manager. Why would you do this to them?

People Who Say "That'll Do It"

Anyone of my generation who grew up watching "Babe" will be instantly reminded of the quote, "That'll do, Pig." I'm not a pig. And what will it do, exactly? This phrase is almost exclusively used by middle-aged men in dress clothes, leading me to suspect that if you are a man, once you hit 40, you spend your time wandering around wondering what will "do it" and analyzing exactly how much of whatever it is it will take to make sure "it" has been "done." Just don't say it, okay? Ever.